The online home and (not so) alter(ed)-ego of Ann Carrier.
Mother. Artist. Designer. Photographer. Calligrapher. Knitter. Gamer. Gardener. Petrolhead. Collector of pebbles and shells.
Never met a museum gift shop she didn’t like.
After 12 years and 26 days of living the London life, I took a deep breath and moved outside the M25.
The commute is longer, but though I loved living in East Dulwich for the last 5 years, this feels better. The sky is bigger, the grass is greener (and there's a lot more of it, almost everywhere I look) and we're weeks away from having a home to call our own.
We're beginning to put down roots and I can feel my wings beginning to uncurl.
I still miss you so very much, Dad.
That even if you want to be pregnant and have actively been trying to get pregnant, there will still be a moment when you look at the positive test and think "Holy SHIT! I'm pregnant!" and your knees will go weak and you'll panic a bit. That my body, which has failed me so much and so often in the past, can conceive, carry to term and nourish a child. Not effortlessly, by any stretch of the imagination, but it worked, and it is continuing to work, and this astonishes me daily.
That really good friends can be found in places you don't expect, and that people you thought were friends can disappear from your life with very little warning.
That everything washes.
That making pastry isn't as scary as it seems.
That there's a very good reason that pregnancy takes so damn long, and even then, it isn't nearly long enough to adjust to the culture shock that is being a first-time parent.
That quality really is better than quantity in almost everything.
On Thursday 6th October at 9.57am, our son was born by emergency caesarean section weighing 4kg (8lbs 14oz) and measuring 54cm (21.25") long.
We spent a few days in hospital while I recovered enough to be allowed home. Being able to get up, get dressed and hug my baby was a very good day.
The first day at home, together, as a family, was even better.
Though I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and still recovering from surgery, each day brings a new joy and though I know there will be challenges ahead, I can't help but feel that the best days are yet to come.
The lovely Natalie at The Yarn Yard started a bloggy thing called "Making Monday" a couple of weeks ago, to encourage folk to share what they make. I wanted to join in before, but various things have got in my way. This week, however, I actually managed to make stuff, despite the best attempts of my physiology to get in the way.
Yesterday, I finished making a hat that I started (for the first time) several weeks ago, and screwed up several times, before finally getting it near enough right. It's for the first of the babies born to our antenatal group, and it felt like a huge achievement to finally get it done.
The Pattern is Poppy by Justine Turner (Ravelry Link - requires login), and it charms me so much I have no problem with the idea of repeating it several times, in different colourways, for several babies.
Today, breaking from the (recent) norm, was a good day. Not brilliant, but better than I've had in a couple of weeks, and it was very welcome.
Today, I madefinished two things.
I made pizza, using a chunk more of the home-made pizza dough (Jamie Oliver's recipe) that I made a couple of weeks ago. It was really good.
I also managed to start and finish another hat. I'm now only one hat behind for the antenatal group. Hopefully, I should be able to finish the third before Saturday, when I'll hopefully get to see everyone (and the newest addition to the group) and hand them over.
Mostly, however, I've been working on something much bigger.
Mostly, today, I've been working on growing a person.
I can't believe another year has passed. I don't know where the time goes. It rushes past so quickly I almost can't keep up.
This last year has been crazy. Work has been insane. More challenging than I could ever imagine, but for all the grey hairs (your estimates were a little off - I'm not totally grey yet but probably will be by the time I hit 40) and stress it's been an incredible year. As I write this I'm sitting in a hotel room in Denver, looking out to the Rocky Mountains and listening to John Denver (because you have to, really). It's a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining brightly and it's warm enough to be midsummer, but I can still see snow on the mountains. I'm here for a work conference and really enjoying it. I'm lucky to get such opportunities.
I've been married for almost five months now. It was an amazing day. The happiest in my life up to that point. We had a beautiful ceremony and an epic party afterwards and for all that it was wonderful, you were missed and never far from my mind.
Then, in January this year, when I thought that I couldn't be any luckier, I found out that I'm pregnant. We don't know whether it's a boy or a girl yet, but I'm looking forward to meeting this wee person currently growing inside me. I'm sad that you aren't here to share this experience with me, or to meet your second grandchild. You would have made a fantastic grandfather.
But, sad as I am that you won't be around to see them, your influence on me will filter down I'm sure. I can see many trips to museums (and by extension, cups of tea) and I'll try to remember to drop the newspaper before charging into the sea after a child chasing a beach ball.
I love you Dad, and I still miss you.
Ann
In March 2000 I finally got around to setting up a blog on Blogger and made my first couple of tentative posts. The next day, the entire blog community (or so it seemed) upped and left for Austin, Texas to attend SXSW 2000, and so began a multi-year cycle of envy and avid blog watching, wishing I could be there.
I made it there, finally, in 2007 and without exaggeration, it changed my life. My time there passed in a blur of learning and laughter. Something shifted in me that week and I didn't-couldn't-process at the time just exactly how much. I'm still not sure I can. I basked in the warmth of friends old and new and tried not to make too much of an arse of myself in front of people whose work I'd admired for many years.
From the woman who sat down next to me and started chatting when I grabbed a sandwich in the airport just as I arrived, to breakfast burritos and diet coke, to the yarn shop ladies who offered to take me to the airport if my friends couldn't because of family issues I was overwhelmed with the friendliness and positive of absolutely everyone I met.
I remember amazing salsas with handmade tortilla chips, pizzas the size of the moon and margaritas the size of my head. Chicken-fried Steak eaten outside in the balmy night air at the down-home restaurant with gingham tablecloths, trailers as restrooms and Sweet Home Alabama playing as we arrived. Chilli-fries that blew my mind (and cleared my sinuses) eaten while hiding in the patchy shade from the midday sun. The amazing steak I almost couldn't eat because I thought I might choke or spit it out because I was laughing so much.
I remember staggering back to my room every night, exhausted and overstimulated and almost too excited to sleep. Feeling like I was missing out because of my wimpish need to sleep. I remember having to obtain an additional suitcase to stow all the yarn related stuff I'd bought while there (and the comedy of the juxtaposition of said accoutrements and a US Army issue foam grenade in my suitcase).
When I read a tweet about breakfast on the balcony of the Hampton or frozen margaritas at the Iron Cactus, I'm there. If I close my eyes I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and hear the babble of conversation around me.
Eleven years after first following the yearly pilgrimage to SXSW, I'm yet again at home, wishing I was there. This year though, it's for a great reason. I'm pregnant, and pregnancy nausea is absolutely kicking my arse. Much as the part of my soul I left in Austin in 2007 is calling to me, I know it's better to be here at home, resting, putting all my energies into my growing child (and not throwing up).
So this year again, I watch and live SXSW vicariously through the tweets of others, there in spirit if not in body, but this year, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I missed my 11 year bloggiversary yesterday because I was too busy being nauseous. So here's a kitten to make up for it.
