14 June 2001
I knew when I stepped into the sandwich shop that things were not quite right. It is usually populated by three jovial characters behind the counter, one of them is a Joan Collins with wrinkles and a blue rinse, another is about seven foot tall and has a face like old leather and the third is like the muppet that always had the slicked back black hair and the big bushy mustache... I think he was in Dr Teeth's band. Maybe not. They're all italian.
Anyway, they were not the usual jovial trio I have encountered before. They were arguing about everything they possibly could. I always "uh" when answering questions by the way.
"Yessir?"
"Uh, hi, I'd like a roast beef salad sandwich on white baguette with a touch of mustard."
"He don't want da mustard, give him da horseradish instead."
"Mama, you crazy, you can't put horseradish on roast beef."
"We gotta no roast beef left, howsabout da salted beef?"
"Uh... salted beef is fine."
"You wanta salt or pepper on that sir?"
"He don't need salt on it, itsa already salted."
"Mama, you be quiet please. Salt, pepper?"
"Uh... yeah, sure. No salt, just a twist of pepper."
(large amounts of black pepper are ground onto the beef like carpet bombing a treeline)
"You wanta da english mustard or french, sir?"
(Trick question! Trick question!)
"I tella you, you put da horseradish on salted beef."
"Uh, I'd rather have mustard thanks... what do you suggest?"
"English"
"French"
"Horseradish"
"Uh, okay... how about some english mustard?"
"Hesa crazy, he wanta da english mustard on da salted beef sandwich with black pepper."
"Uh, you forgot the salad."
(all three shake their heads)
"Mama, you give me da horseradish, he wantsa da english mustard."
"Oh, sorry."
"Thatsa better."
(copious amounts of english mustard are spread onto the baguette over the butter I hadn't asked for)
"You wanta anything else with dat sir?"
"Uh, you forgot the salad."
(three slices of cucumber and four slices of tomato are added)
"Uh, and a can of Pepsi?"
"We gotta no Pepsi, sir."
"You wanta Diet Coke instead?"
"We gotta da Pepsi right here in da fridge."
"Dats Pepsi Max"
"Uh, Pepsi Max is fine."
"Itsa not da Pepsi though."
"Uh, really, Pepsi Max is good enough."
"Okay sir, your da one who wantsa da salted beef salad sandwich wit da english mustard and black pepper"
(again, all three shake their heads)
"Uh, right, so how much is that?"
"Four pounds, sir"
And that is why I don't understand why they even gave me the choice. Instead they could have just thrown some leftovers in a bag poured some flat coke over it all, told me it was the best thing for me and taken my money.
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