2 March 2004
How to win friends and influence people
Step 1: React like you don't know who the person talking to you on the phone is, even though they work for the same organisation and have identified themselves, the team they work for and the office they're located in.
Step 2: Profess ignorance of the organisational standards which require to be met as if they don't apply to you because you work for a different team.
Step 3: Say yes, several times during the conversation, as if to indicate that you've listened, heard and understood what is being said to you, when in fact, it's executed a spectacular fly-past, buzzing the tower, but leaving no lasting impression on you.
Step 4: Send an email asking where the report is, six hours before the deadline you were given.
Step 5: When arriving in the office to discover that the report has not been received on the given deadline, do not go to the email you previously received reminding you of the deadline and drop a quick email saying "I don't seem to have received the report, can you investigate?". Do not pick up the phone and call the sender of that email and ask the same question. Do not even think about calling any other member of that team and asking if they know anything, or can help.
Step 6: Immediately search your inbox to find a previous email sent by a senior manager updating several other senior managers, one Director and the Chief Executive of progress in the matter. Reply to this email, copying in additional senior managers, the original senior managers, the Director and the Chief Executive, saying "Any news on this?, we still haven't received the report.".
Step 7: When enquiries are made as to why you felt the need to copy the world and his executive wife on the email, lie like a weasel and say you accidentally hit reply to all, even though it's obvious to everyone that's not what happened.
Step 8: When you receive the report, confirm with a one line "report received" email.
Step 9: Do not make any effort to inform senior management that the report has been received.
Hypothetically of course...?
Yep, been there.
Hypothetical? I so wish.
Oooh! I am so sorry!
See, told you stun guns should be legalised. The office would be so much more efficient if there was always the risk of ending up with frizzy hair for a day...
Hey! Do you work in the same place as I do??? :-?
bastards!
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