5 July 2001
First off, was Jon Voight high this morning on the Big Breakfast or what?
Totally unrelated, but this morning in my office, Mike the loud American asked a question which became a free for all;
M: What was that movie with Charlton Heston where he gets screwed and meets Jesus?
"Planet of the Apes?"
"Return to Planet of the Apes?"
"He wasn't in that, he was in Beneath The Planet of the Apes."
"You know he plays an ape in the new Tim Burton version?"
"D'you reckon he'd be like, picking his nose and suddenly shout out 'Get your hands off me you damned dirty ape!'?"
"No."
"Earthquake?"
"NRA Promoting Nazi's Must Die?"
"Life of Brian?"
M: No, no, no... the one set in ancient times.
"Anthony and Cleopatra?"
"Gladiator?"
"Too recent."
"Tombstone?"
"Thats the Wild West, and he wasn't in that."
"Yes he was."
"Life of Brian?"
"So wait, where was the bit with Oliver Reed set?"
"A funeral home?"
"In Gladiator?"
"Yeah"
"Somewhere hot and sandy. Probably left over sets from Ishtar."
M: He didn't meet Jesus in Anthony and Cleopatra did he?
"I think Jesus had business elsewhere around that time. But he was usually the one at Cleopatra's parties that would get a bit too drunk and start giving all the other people third eyes and stuff."
"Was it Spartacus?"
"That was Thingy Douglas..."
"Who, Micheal?"
M: What?
"Adams?"
"Catherine-Zeta Jones-Douglas?"
"In Spartacus? I don't think so."
"Kirk."
"James T?"
"Its worse than that."
M: Yeah, it was Kirk Douglas in Spartacus, Charlton Heston was in that other one...
"Gladiator?"
"Life of Brian?"
"Will you shut up about sodding Monty Python?! Nobody famous was in that other than them."
"Yes there was, Spike Milligan's in it."
"When?"
"The bit with the sandal."
"And the gourd."
"He's the one making sense."
"For once."
M: Wait, he doesn't get screwed in Ben Hur, does he?
"Spike Milligan?"
"No, Kirk Douglas."
"That was Spartacus."
"Kirk Douglas screwed Spike Milligan in Spartacus?"
"Sounds more like Gladiator with all the beefcake."
"You're not thinking of Jon Voight in Deliverance are you?"
"Jon Voight isn't the one who gets screwed, it's that other one."
"Burt Reynolds?"
"Ronnie Cox?"
"No, the one who has no career."
"Small wonder."
"Guess he wasn't putting enough emotion into the part."
M: I don't mean he gets screwed literally...
"Oh, you mean like he dies and meets Jesus metaphorically?"
"Airport?"
"No, wait... Airplane. Airport was the comedy."
"No, other way round."
"Are you sure..."
"What sense is there in calling a film set on a plane Airport?"
"Earthquake."
"He doesn't die in Earthquake."
"He doesn't die in Airport either."
"He's not in Airport, he's in Airplane."
"Whatever!"
M: Come to think of it, has anyone ever killed Charlton Heston?
"Maybe if we're lucky..."
"At some NRA gathering with a bunch of Alien Hand Syndrome sufferers..."
"You saw that too? How freaky to not be able to control your own hands."
"I have that problem all the time around women." (this one was *not* me)
"He dies in Soylent Green doesn't he?"
"They turn him into salteen crackers... just add water and he'll reform into Charlton Heston. Thats the beauty of osmosis."
"He was in Wayne's World 2 as well, remember the bit at the gas station when Wayne complains about the actor and they wheel in Charlton instead?"
"Wasn't that Rip Torn?"
"What a great name."
"Yeah."
"I mean Rip Torn."
"So do I."
"He doesn't die in Wayne's World 2."
M: Buff, you haven't said anything yet, what do you think?
B: I don't even know who you're talking about.
"Somebody send her the imdb entry for Charlton Heston"
"Where's the fun in that?"
Me: "Oh... wait. He was in Airport, and even The Colby's"
"Great series that."
"Not half as good as Dynasty"
"How old were you when Dynasty was on?!"
"Obviously too young to realise it was crap. Now Dallas on the other hand..."
etc, etc, ad nauseum.
The answer of course was "The Greatest Story Ever Told."
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