27 December 2002
It's been a funny old year...
... and I don't mean that in the sense that it's been all laughs, because that's the last thing it's been.
I mean funny as in peculiar.
So much has happened this year that I can barely remember it all... days run into weeks run into months and here I am, finding myself a few days from the end of the year wondering where it all went.
I had thought that 2000 was the worst year of my life to date... and until this year it was. 2002 has equalled, and surpassed - many times over - the complete and utter shittiness of that year. Conversely, 2002 has also been one of the best years of my life.
I have a lot to be thankful for. Apart from a stinking cold which one of my colleagues felt the need to share with me, this year has been the healthiest I've been for at least three or four years. Every morning as I walk to work, every night I come home complaining that my feet hurt from too much walking, I'm glad that I can actually do that - to put one foot in front of the other and keep going might not seem like a huge achievement, but in contrast to this time two or even three years ago, when five steps were enough to leave me in severe pain for hours and it brings it into perspective.
I live a few minutes walk from some of my favourite places in London, in a flat that I still, even three months on, can't believe is my home (even if it's only for the term of the lease). It's not perfect - we are still without a few items that would complete it (i.e., a coffee table - but the less said about that at the moment the better), but I still get a great sense of satisfaction walking up the street and putting my key in my door, dropping my bag in my entranceway, putting on the lamp with the funky yellow lightbulb, dropping the keys in the bowl, kicking off my shoes, walking into the living room, putting on the lamp and the ducky lights, walking into the kitchen, pouring myself a cold diet coke from my fridge freezer and plonking myself down on the sofa.
Simple pleasures, but it makes a huge difference to my sense of wellbeing.
I've even started to actually cook again - and experiment with new recipes. Ok, so part of this is because I've changed my way of eating completely, with enormous benefits to my weight, mood, energy level and general health. In the six weeks or so since I made the decision to change things, the benefits have become more obvious than I had expected.
It's been a strange year in terms of friendships too - I've discovered friends in the most unlikely places, found myself confiding and being confided in by people that I would never have expected. I've found myself, for the first time, working amongst a group of people who actually care what happens to each other. For the first time ever, I really, truly feel like part of the team. It's been a hard year work-wise, and the next few months are going to be hell on wheels, but it's made bearable by the people. The caring, concern and support I've got this year from people who barely knew me has been incredible - no words I have can express the gratitude I have for that.
It's been a year of self-discovery too. There were so many times this year when I thought I'd reached the limits of my ability to deal with what was happening, and yet somehow, I managed to keep it together, with only the mildest of stumbles. I'm not a terribly optimistic person - my defensive strategy tends to be expect the worst and then nothing can catch you by surprise - but to be honest, I hit rock bottom a while back and I'm tired of digging. It's time for me to climb out of the hole, shake off the self-defensive shell that I spent so many years building up, and have the guts to just be me.
I need to stop second-guessing myself, and trust my instincts. I need to stop worrying about what people might think of me. I need to have the confidence in myself, because confidence got from other people is only fleeting and needs constant maintenance. I need to decide what it right for me and stick to it. I need to stop worrying that my lifestyle will disappear before my eyes if I even breathe on it, and grab it with both hands and enjoy it. I need to stop censoring myself - both here and in real life. The truth might hurt sometimes, but it's my truth, and it needs to come out, and while I'm sorry if that might cause anyone pain, that is not my intention, and holding back on some things is causing me pain, and has caused me pain for too long.
There are so many things I need to do, but first, I need to go to bed, and snuggle up next to my other half, and give him a big hug, and a big kiss, and thank him for spending six years with me.
Six years. I can hardly believe it, and yet, here we are, living together in London. I look back on that day, six years ago - the hug that led to a kiss, which led to another, and another, and so much else inbetween.
So yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for.
Here's to 2003.
You call that cooking?
's funny how things turn out, huh? I just spent the day shopping for furniture. I so didn't see that coming, and yet, it does seem to be like saying this is where I live, this is who I live with, this is where we live.
I actually liked 2002. It had a huge monkey on its back, but it tried.
... the online home and (not very) alter(ed)-ego of Ann McMeekin, a recently freelance Web Accessibility Consultant.
... passionate about many things, most of which will turn up on this site at some time or other.
... contactable via email.
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