12 April 2006
I walked past three places where I used to work on the way to dinner on Monday night, to a restaurant that was something else last time I visited.
I got lost trying to find the house because they built a massive new road and the route home as I knew it has changed.
There's a LIDL where there used to be a copse of trees, a housing development where the station car park used to be, a school has disappeared entirely, and they're building flats with a view over one of the most hideous roundabouts in Scotland (for reasons why pass understanding).
This used to be my room, but it's now my mum's computer room.
This used to be my home, but my "home" is several hundred miles away, and I'm not even sure if it is actually home yet.
I hear words coming out of my mouth, and know that this used to be my accent, and it feels strange, but not, all at the same time.
I think I'm doing ok this time, and then I see my dad's wallet, sitting, as if he'd just put it down a few minutes ago, and a lump appears in my throat.
I still can't open the door to that room.
Fred knows the instant you're about the open the can - before you've even opened it - all you have to do it pick it up with the intent to open it, and he's there, as if by magic.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It is always so hard to return to your former home, and I'm sure it is even harder since your dad is gone. When things change like that, they always seem to mess with my memories. I hope your visit back goes well.
(Completely not related - if you want some Susan Bates needles, send me your address and I will mail you some. They should be easy to find here.)
Home is where the heart is. It's not a building, it's a feeling you have of belonging, being loved and being you.
To quote Elbow:
"coming home I feel like I,
designed these buildings I walk by".
About sums up that whole 'home' thing for me, the sense of "knowing".
I prefer the Marillion lyric about
"Home is where the heart lies.
But if the heart lies, where is home?"
I'm sad like that.
I went through this in between time of not knowing where home was when I went away to school. It was a weird feeling.
I thought I'd let you know I posted a big thank you to you on my site for the awesome package you sent me. It is right here
if you want to see it.
... the online home and (not very) alter(ed)-ego of Ann McMeekin, a recently freelance Web Accessibility Consultant.
... passionate about many things, most of which will turn up on this site at some time or other.
... contactable via email.
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