24 July 2001
So, D is safely back in London and I'm safely back from taking him to the airport via a short trip to see my mother in the homeopathic hospital, which doesn't actually look like a hospital at all, except for the hospital beds, and a loop back to pick up my sister's boyfriend, who is still employed by my ex-employers (saw my ex-boss as we were pulling out of the car park. waved. she did a double take, then smiled sorta, then glared and then caught herself and smiled again).
My room seems too big for me again, after being too small for both of us again, and I feel a bit strange again like I did in December when he first left for the bright lights of the big city.
So, tonight as I go to bed, alone again (unless you count a supersize Eeyore, or 3 pillows more than is strictly necessary for one person), my fingers and toes are crossed, and I'm offering up prayers and begging every deity and anyone else that I think might possibly have any influence, that what's wrong with my dad isn't serious, so that I don't have to make the choice between staying here and watching him die and going to London to at long last start to have the life D and I have been talking about.
I've hesitated to say this before now, and I'm not sure I really know the reason why, but I think it's time that I came out and said it...
I'm moving to London.
[whew]
Might not seem like a big deal, but given my usual state of health (I had this plan in my head that I was going to wait until I'd been healthy and felt fine for 3 months in a row before I made plans to move, but frankly, I could be here for the rest of my life if I stick to that one), the usual state of health of my various family members (Previously: gran, recovering alcoholic with early stage alzheimers; mum, primary progressive type multiple sclerosis and type III ehlers-danlos syndrome. Now: as above but add dad: something wrong in his lung(s)/lymph node(s), doctors still undecided exactly what.) and the state of the noomeeja job market these days (see: Tom - if he can't get a job what hope do I have?), and my mostly stable at the moment but would have to stay that way financial situation, it all adds up to make things a little more complicated than I'd like.
Nonetheless, my mind is made up. I'm moving to London. Soon. Sometime in the next couple of months. The plan had been for me to spend last week and this week in London jobhunting and generally making plans to move, but all the stuff about my dad's health utterly trashed those plans.
D keeps making half jokes where he says "if" I move to London. I keep telling him that it's not an "if" thing. It's just a "when" thing. I mean it too.
So. I'm moving to London.
Soon.
I mean it.
I just found your blog.. and I read only this one entry.. and I am not some sort of preacher.. believe me.. but there is something that I do know.. that anything you do out of life.. must be for love.. or all else is meaningles... I am sure that your father would want you to be happy...
so.. I put this other thing her.. it's from the bible.. No.. I am not a freaky bible thumping christian.. it's just my favorite passage....
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love
... the online home and (not very) alter(ed)-ego of Ann McMeekin, a recently freelance Web Accessibility Consultant.
... passionate about many things, most of which will turn up on this site at some time or other.
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