2 April 2002
His breathing is more laboured now. I listen to each ragged breath, and my heart stops each time there's even the slightest delay between them.
He is sedated now. A syringe driver slowly pushes morphine and cyclizine into his system, to keep him as comfortable as possible.
His temperature is raised. Together with the laboured breathing, this could indicate the onset of pneumonia.
He hasn't had anything to eat or drink for two days now, refusing even sips of water. The doctor told us to stop the blood glucose testing and insulin injections.
He said it wasn't needed any more. That everything is just shutting down now. He said that it might take two or three days, but it might be less. There is no way of knowing.
He's mostly gone now. Not far to go, but the journey is troubling him. Where he used to cry out for help, now he merely twitches, a spasm of fear crossing his face.
We hold his hand and whisper to him. Telling him it's ok. Telling him not to worry about us, and to feel free to go if he needs to.
I was reminded of the following quote:
"You can't turn away from death simply because you are afraid of what might happen without you. That's not enough. You're not embracing life, you're fleeing death. So you're caught inbetween -- unable to go forward or backward. Your friends need what you can be when you're no longer afraid. When you know who you are and why you are and what you want. When you are no longer looking for reasons to live, but can simply be. "
-- Lorien (to John Sheridan)
So I hold his hand, and as his inner battles find their way to the surface, I whisper to him that there's no need to be afraid any more, and that I love him. Over and over, because I don't know what else to do.... and then, when he's settled again, and my sobs become too much to hold back, I leave, and I come back here, and I listen.
I listen, and with each ragged breath, the knot inside me grows.
All I want now is for him to find peace.
sending love and prayers for your dad, mum and you...
may you all find peace, and freedom from fear.
It's so wonderful that you were able to be with him.
... the online home and (not very) alter(ed)-ego of Ann McMeekin, a recently freelance Web Accessibility Consultant.
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